Last week, I went to Missouri for my brother’s graduation from Basic Training. We had a wonderful time visiting my brother, but all struggled a little bit with the northern culture.
I know Missouri thinks it is in the south because of the SEC, and to that I say, “Go home Missouri, you’re drunk.”
It’s in the north. Trust me. To honor my visit up north, I wrote this little post.
Have you ever read “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie?” It’s one of my favorite books. Today I give you, “If You Take a Southern Girl Up North.” Enjoy.
If you take a southern girl up north,
she’s going to want a Diet Coke.
When she goes to the drink dispenser,
she will see there are only Pepsi products.
So she will get frustrated,
because Pepsi and Coke are not the same.
Then she will choose her second favorite- sweet tea.
After she tastes it, she will probably get a horrified look on her face.
That tea won’t be sweet.
She will exchange glances with her little sister and ask,
“What are we going to do for three days?!”
Her sister will say something along the lines of,
“You know you aren’t in the south anymore when you can’t taste the diabetes in your tea.”
She will try the lemonade, but that won’t be sweet either.
She will be disappointed.
She might get carried away,
and try every drink option available.
When she’s finally settled for “sweet tea,”
her sandwich will be ready.
She will walk to the counter and pick up her food.
She will kindly say, “Thank you so much,”
as all southern girls do.
Then she will be ignored by the employee.
He will not say “you’re welcome” or “my pleasure.”
She’ll walk back to her seat and start looking for the sugar.
She will instead be greeted with Sweet & Low and Splenda.
These are not sugar.
So she’ll drink her tea and silently judge the north
for the lack of Diet Coke and sugar.
Then, she’ll have to use the restroom,
because she has sampled all the beverages.
She’ll smile at a baby on the way because she is friendly.
The mother will act like she is trying to kidnap her child.
When she gets to the bathroom,
there will be instructions on how to flush.
It will say, “Pull up for number 1.”
“Push down for number 2.”
She will be slightly appalled.
One does not speak of such things.
She will then mess it up because she only flushes with her foot.
She will push down for number 1.
She will feel guilty about messing it up,
and quickly exit the restroom.
She will get back in the car and continue her journey.
Because if you take a southern girl up north,
chances are she’ll want to go home.